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Notes from Yesterday at 4am

We move tomorrow, and the heavy stuff is all waiting for others to move. Hell. I'm not made of glass, and I *will* carry my share.



Well, tomorrow is it. Tonight, I had to go get her from her cold, dark apartment, and that was another argument to persuade her to go. Does she know what those do to me? She doesn't, I think, and that's good. Does she know that she looks so much like a second chance to get it right, to not only learn from my mistakes, but to use them so someone else doesn't have a matching set of scars on their soul? If it were just that, even, it would be worth it, but it goes beyond a selfish need to be needed.
She doesn't know and I can't say how different she is, how special. The idea that the whole world can't see that is incomprehensible to me. Even two weeks ago, I was that blind, and I barely beleive that now. I came over for coffee, drunk out of my mind, I finally saw, and I haven't looked away since.
I don't have faith anymore, not for a long time. I've had it beaten, kicked, stabbed and shot out from under me. But I have had hope, over and over again. Or I thought I did. Now, I see that's what I have with her, in her, in us. If she goes, that goes with her. I won't lay that on her. I'll keep that to me, my hope, my heart, on the tip of my tongue, but never out of my mouth.



A chumann, tonight, you told me what you wanted, honestly, and I have been thinking about it ever since. It's so hard to put to words, to bring to light what's been so long buried that I could pretend it never was.
Tomorrow, I promise I'll try. You gave me the book, you gave me the pen, and now, I'll try to use them to show you what else you give me. Tá mo chroí istigh ionat, a thaisce, a chumann and now, it will be here on the page as well, for you to hold and see as well as know.

And now, while I write this, she's sleeping. Not comfortably, but at least, if I can't stop this, I can be near when she needs me. Again, I say, I'll carry my share for as long as she'll let me.



Night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to colour from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
I wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

Dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
Now you're crying in your sleep
I wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

Look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
Fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

If love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swin around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

Lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
Now you're crying in your sleep
I wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

Look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
Fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
abbiesvu
Feb. 26th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
Logan, you aren't carrying crap and you know it. I doubt the doctor wants you carrying all that heavy stuff anyway.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )