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I Am Surrounded by Comedians

Dear [You know who you are]

Thank you for the mush, the urine sample, the pastry and the warning. I assure you I am completely innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever. Nick Tramonti and I simply happened to think of something totally hilarious at the same time - repeatedly, every time we looked over at your desk. A mere coincidence - an example of everyday seredipity, if you will.
Bastard ate the pie, and now I have a cat leaving apple-farts. Truly, they are a hideous substance. Luckily, he's sprawled on Goren's desk now, letting his noxious gases off elsewhere. I left the apple juice in the can for our "mystey picnicer," and the applesauce? Ah,that would be telling, now, wouldn't it.

The Welcoming Committee

(Nick - she's on to us. Maintain silence, and stick to the story. Remember, a bike messenger dropped off those papers on Attwater's desk. We know NOTHING.)