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A Personal Entry

I worried about turning into her...tonight, I passed a mirror, looked in it and saw my dad, and it was another slap at turning into him.

When Millie's sick, it makes me half-crazy. Today, when she cried, I told her anything she wanted was fine, I was desperate to help her...she cried about the pain, her body, I almost asked her if she wanted a drink to calm her down, and that's when I nearly choked. I couldn't help it, the list of what they said and did, that catalog of blame and recriminations that made up our home came rushing back.

Is that how it started? Did she not mean to hate me, was it a series of things beyond her control that turned her into a monster? Did he try to help her, and end up making things worse?

I know Millie doesn't blame Isabel; I'm sure she never would. She's so frightened of doing the wrong thing, though, and I'm worried this isn't a passing phase. If she ends up hating herself, if she stays so angry at the situations...no. I'm stronger than him. Even if he was partially to blame for her, through weakness, or love or blindness, that won't be me. My wife, my child won't live like that. If my parents failed each other, and me as well, that doesn't mean I have to do what they did. I have a choice, or I have to beleive that I do.
You can let the fire of the past scar you, or you can let it burn away what's impure.