det_mike_logan (det_mike_logan) wrote,

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Warning You Off From a Bad Idea

Look, I warned you, this is NOT the best of plans on your part. Get Harper to drink for Ireland and you may stand a chance. Police Code for "Officer Drunk" is stll "Logan" on the channels, you know. And besides, I was supposed to ask if I could go.

A cautionary tale:

The Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

And in case you still feel like trying it, you'll need this.

Drinking Problem Solver

Symptom:  Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:  Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

Symptom:  Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. 

Symptom:  Feet warm and wet. 
Fault:  Improper bladder control. 
Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. 

Symptom:  Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 

Symptom:  Floor swaying.
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. 
Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 

Symptom:  Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out. 
Action Required: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom:  Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it 
Fault: You have fallen over backward. 
Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. 

Symptom:  Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward. 
Action Required: See above. 

Symptom:  Everything has gone dark.
Fault: The Bar is closing. 
Action Required: Panic. 

Symptom:  Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault:  Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
Action Required: Cover mouth. 

Symptom:  You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 
Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in

Tags: bad ideas

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